


A World Worth Living In

by Nara



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Divergence, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Gen, M/M, Mentions of Suicide Methods, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-07-28 00:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16230314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nara/pseuds/Nara
Summary: …or five times Yuuri almost gave up, and one time he knew things would turn out okay in the end.





	A World Worth Living In

**Author's Note:**

> Please mind the tags, some of the idea about "giving up" is about giving up on skating, but much of it is about giving up on life.
> 
> I've been struggling a lot with my own mental health and suicidal ideation recently. Yuri!!! on Ice has been a bright light in my life for almost a year now, and sometimes, it's the only thing that keeps me going.
> 
> I've been wondering if this world is a world worth living in and some days, it's hard to find the answer. But I admire Yuuri a lot, and I relate to Yuuri a lot, and I thought, if he can come through it in the end, maybe I can too.

_(1) Before his first competition_

Yuuri blinked back tears of frustration as he sat up on the ice. He had fallen, once again, while attempting his double axel.

He rubbed at his eyes and shakily got to his feet. Yuuko skated by and shouted encouragement at him. “You can do it, Yuuri-kun! I know you’ll get it this time.”

Yuuri shook his head and began skating towards the rink’s exit. He stepped off the ice, clicking his skate guards into place and then sat on the bench. Yuuko skated over to the rink wall and frowned worriedly.

“Yuuri-kun, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t think I can do this, Yuu-chan…” Yuuri’s voice was barely louder than a whisper. Yuuko immediately skated off the ice and sat down next to Yuuri on the bench, pulling him into a hug.

“Of course you can! You’re the best skater that I know, you’ll get the double axel soon, and then you’ll be unstoppable!”

Yuuri hung his head in his hands. “It’s not just the double axel…it’s this whole thing. I just…I’m not good enough Yuu-chan. I’ll never win. I can’t do it.”

Yuuko grabbed Yuuri by the shoulders, forcing him to look at her. “Yuuri-kun, do you like skating?”

Yuuri hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “Yeah.”

“Then why are you giving up?”

Yuuri sighed and tried to look away. Yuuko wouldn’t let him. “Yuuri-kun, if you like skating, why are you giving up? Are you not having fun anymore?”

Yuuri shook his head, “No, that’s not it.”

Yuuko’s eyes were kind, “Then what is it? Talk to me.”

Yuuri curled in on himself as much as he could with Yuuko still holding his shoulders. “I’m just…not good enough.”

“But Yuuri-kun, what does that mean?”

“It means…it means that I can’t do it!”

“But you _can_ do it, Yuuri-kun. That’s what I’m not understanding. Sure, you’re having some trouble with the double axel right now, but you’ll figure it out. You always do. You work harder than anyone I know. When you fall down, you get back up and try again. What makes this time so different?”

Yuuri’s voice was small, “I’m afraid, Yuu-chan. I’m competing next week, and I don’t want to disappoint everyone. I couldn’t bear it if I did. I want you to be proud of me. You and kaa-san and tou-san and Mari and Minako-sensei. I don’t want to fail.”

Yuuko pulled Yuuri into another hug. “You won’t fail, Yuuri-kun. And even if you do, if you fall on your jumps or don’t place on the podium or whatever, you still won’t really fail. And we’ll all be proud of you no matter what, as long as you try. As long as skating is something you still want to do, we will all always support you.”

Yuuri clutched at Yuuko’s shirt, choking back a sob. Yuuko smoothed down his hair.

“I believe in you Yuuri-kun, you just have to do your best. Promise me you’ll try? That’s all I want, that’s all we all want – for you to not give up. Just try. Can you promise?”

Yuuri nodded.

~~~

_(2) After moving to Detroit_

Yuuri walked into the rink where he would be training in Detroit and almost immediately walked back out. It was too overwhelming. It was too much for him to handle.

He sat down on the grass outside and leaned up against the building.

“Why am I even here?” he whispered to himself.

Pulling his knees to his chest, Yuuri stared at the passing students, trying to keep himself calm, but the demons in his mind kept up a constant refrain: _I’m not good enough, I’m not able to do enough, why did I even come here? Sure, I work hard, but everyone works hard and I can’t catch up to them. I will never be good enough to skate on the same ice as Viktor Nikiforov. I’m not even good enough to be worthy of coming here, to Detroit, to skate with Celestino. What did he even see in me? I’m just a nobody. I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore. Why did I think I could do this? I can’t. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough. Notgoodenoughnotgoodenoughnotgoodenough._

Yuuri was breathing heavily, beginning to hyperventilate. He leaned forward, pressing his head between his knees. He thought he could feel the stares of the passing students, but he didn’t look up. He couldn’t bear the thought of seeing the judgement, concern, or pity in their eyes. He was just another student who couldn’t hack it.

Yuuri thought about his classes, the ones that only started a week ago. He felt himself spiral downwards: _I won’t be able to keep up. If I can’t keep up with classes, I won’t be able to skate. And if I can’t skate there’s no point in being here. But there’s no point in being here anyway because I can’t skate and I can’t keep up and I just can’t do this. I can’t._

Yuuri thought about his family and friends, who he left back home in Hasetsu. He thought about how alone he was, here in Detroit: _They’ll be so disappointed in me. They all sacrificed so much for me to be here. I’m not good enough for them. I don’t deserve them. It’s probably better that I’m alone here. No one needs to deal with all my bullshit. They’ll realize they’re happier when I’m further away. They’ll be fine without me. They’ll…be fine without me._

Yuuri took a shuddering breath and lifted his head. He looked at his shaking hands, which had been clenched so tightly into fists there were little crescents where his nails had dug into his palms. His vision clouded with tears. _I’m sorry._

“Yuuri!”

Yuuri looked up towards the booming voice. Celestino was walking towards him, a broad smile on his face. Yuuri quickly scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hands and scrambled to his feet.

“G-good morning, Coach Celestino.”

Celestino didn’t seem to notice the tremor in Yuuri’s voice. He clapped Yuuri on the back enthusiastically, “Come! Let’s start practice. I’ll introduce you around the rink!”

Yuuri nodded slowly and followed Celestino through the front doors. He didn’t know what he was going to do, in the end, but for now he would have to keep on going. He had no other choice.

~~~

_(3) After the GPF at Sochi_

He had failed. He made it all the way to Sochi, all the way to the Grand Prix Final and he imploded spectacularly. Every day he had worked, every time he swallowed his heartache and pain and fear and just gave and gave until he had nothing left to give; it was all for nothing.

Yuuri stood in front of the mirror in his hotel bathroom, his mind temporarily blank. He felt empty – completely and utterly drained.

“Was it worth it, Yuuri?” he whispered to his reflection, “You have nothing left. Your dog is dead. You fucked up the most important skate of your career. You threw away everything your family had ever given you, everything your friends had ever hoped for.”

Yuuri laughed bitterly, “And your idol didn’t even recognize you. He thought you were only a fan. Was it worth it, Yuuri? Was anything worth it?”

He sank to the cold tile floor and sobbed. Wrapping his arms tightly around himself, he let himself break down for what felt like the millionth time that day. Breaking down was all he was good at. He could only let himself down, disappoint everyone who cared about him. Yuuri crawled into the bathtub and let the ceramic cool his face.

“I’m sorry, everyone,” he whispered, curling up into a ball. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

Yuuri cried until he physically could not cry anymore. He continued to lay in the bathtub, unwilling and unable to move. If he stayed in the bathtub, he was safe. If he moved right now, he couldn’t guarantee what he might do. He knew he would have to get up eventually – he would need to put in an appearance at the banquet that night – but he didn’t trust himself at the moment.

He thought about the razor he had used to shave that morning, sitting in his toiletry bag. He could just slip the blade from its casing and then…and then what? Yuuri was afraid, but he knew where these thoughts were coming from. This was not the first time he had thought about dying, far from it, but this is the closest he’s been to trying.

He curled in on himself in the tub. If he could have just pressed a button to stop existing, he would have pressed it in a heartbeat. Yuuri was afraid of dying, but right now, he was afraid of living even more. He was a failure. He failed his coach, he failed his family, his friends, his dog. He failed himself, and at the same time, he proved himself right. He wasn’t good enough. He would never be good enough. He felt like he had no options – he wasn’t sure he could come back as a skater from this implosion. It might be the end of his career. And if he didn’t have skating…what did he have? He had left his home, he hadn’t been back in five years. Vicchan _died_. He knows his parents would welcome him back, welcome him home, but he couldn’t stand to see the pity in their eyes, the disappointment in what he’d become.

Things would be so much easier if he could just stop existing. Yuuri thought about the sleeping pills for his insomnia on the nightstand next to the bed. He only had a few left. If he got up, he could go to the convenience store on the corner and get another bottle, and then…and then what? Did he really want to go through with this?

A razor blade…a bottle of pills…he really thought he could go through with taking his life and it scared him. He knew that it would hurt his family, his friends, but they were strong people. They would move on, eventually. He wouldn’t be a burden any longer.

A loud knock at the door startled Yuuri, and he almost hit his head on the faucet.

“Yuuri! We have to get going, the banquet is starting soon!” Celestino bellowed through the door.

Yuuri didn’t want to get out of the tub. He stayed quiet, thinking. After a few moments, Celestino knocked again. “Yuuri?”

Yuuri still didn’t get up to answer the door.

The knocking became more insistent. “Yuuri! Open the door! If you don’t I’m going to get someone to open it for me!”

Yuuri slowly pulled himself out of the bathtub and walked to the door. He opened it and let Celestino into the room. Celestino took a long look at Yuuri’s red-rimmed eyes and his hunched over form. His gaze softened, and Yuuri turned away.

“Oh, Yuuri…”

There was the pity Yuuri didn’t want. “I’m sorry, Coach. I’ll get ready. Just give me a minute and we can go.”

He didn’t wait for Celestino’s answer before returning to the bathroom and washing his face with cold water. He methodically went through the movements of putting on his suit, tying his tie. When he was done, he stood by his coach. “I’m ready.”

Celestino put his hand at the small of Yuuri’s back and ushered him out the door.

Yuuri still hadn’t made any decisions about his life, but he would put on a brave face for the banquet. He would go to sleep that night, and wake up in the morning. He would probably go back to Japan, to say goodbye, at least. He would decide then.

He would decide then.

_~~~_

_(4) Before the Cup of China_

Viktor had swept into Yuuri’s life like a whirlwind and everything had changed.

Yuuri barely had time to think, for the most part, let alone ruminate on all his failures. His brain was still his brain, however, so that didn’t completely stop, but for a while, at least, things were better. He had life and love and he wanted to keep Viktor by his side. He wanted to make his family proud. More than ever before, Yuuri wanted to prove that he could do it, that he was enough.

But it wasn’t long before he once again, began to fall apart. His insecurities blossomed – even Viktor couldn’t make them go away for good. Yuuri pulled from his deepest wells and he gave and gave until he could give no more, and he still pressed forward. He was beginning to fall apart at the seams. But he couldn’t lose Viktor, he had to keep trying. If, after everything, he lost Viktor too, Yuuri knew he wouldn’t be able to keep going.

_“If you mess up this free skate and miss the podium,” Viktor said, “I’ll take responsibility by resigning as your coach.”_

Oh.

In the seconds after Viktor’s declaration, Yuuri’s entire world came crashing down around him once again. The demons in his mind cackled: _I knew it. I’m not good enough._

Yuuri began to cry, unable to stop the tears. Viktor was panicking, and a part of Yuuri felt vindicated, seeing him backpedal. But underneath it all, he feared that what Viktor had said at first was the truth. That he could really leave Yuuri so easily, as if all this time had meant nothing, as if everything that had propped Yuuri back up, gotten him back on his feet, had been something that could be easily brushed away. Maybe to Viktor, it was. Yuuri knew he needed to try one more time, and if that wasn’t enough, if it _still_ wasn’t enough, it never would be.

_“Why would you say something like that, like you’re trying to test me? I’m used to being blamed for my own failures! But this time, I’m anxious because my mistakes would reflect on you, too! I’ve been wondering if you secretly want to quit!”_

_“Of course I don’t!”_

Yuuri would do his best to believe that. He would skate his heart out and leave it all on the ice. And if Viktor left him, then Yuuri would know. He wasn’t ready to let go yet and he would push himself beyon his breaking point. Yuuri would skate as if this was the last skate of his life.

One more skate; they could make a decision after that.

Just one more skate.

_~~~_

_(5) The GPF in Barcelona_

_“After the final, let’s end this.”_

Yuuri had seen the look on Viktor’s face when he watched the others skate in the short program. He had seen the desire to return to the ice, the flash of inspiration, and Yuuri knew.

He couldn’t keep Viktor any longer.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Yuuri watched Viktor from beneath his eyelashes as he explained his reasoning for letting go.

Viktor had done so much for him, it was Yuuri’s turn to do something for Viktor.

Viktor had given Yuuri life and love, he had given Yuuri his passion back, his skating back. He had given Yuuri his life back.

Yuuri knew that he could give up skating for Viktor because he knew, now, more than anything, that he did not have to give up everything he had. To Yuuri, that was what mattered. Even if it was not enough to keep Viktor, it was enough to keep Yuuri going.

He could retire, coach kids at Ice Castle in Hasetsu. He would watch Viktor skate on TV, and remember _that time back when_. And it would be enough. It would have to be.

Yuuri startled when Viktor began to cry. When Viktor proclaimed his anger, Yuuri matched him with his logic, but they both promised to not make a decision that night.

At the dawn of the final day, Yuuri felt tense. Viktor felt tense. But they muscled through it. They came together for what may have been the final time except…except it wasn’t.

Yuuri wanted to keep skating. Viktor wanted to skate _and_ coach. And together, they were going to try.

The future was uncertain, but for the first time, Yuuri did not feel an overwhelming sense of doom and fear when he thought of it. For the first time, he was excited. With Viktor by his side, as his coach, as his friend, as his lover, Yuuri could finally imagine a future past the age of 25. It was something he wanted to reach for, it was something he _could_ reach for.

And Yuuri was ready.

~~~

_(+1) At the Wedding_

“I think I’m going to throw up.” Yuuri glanced at himself in the mirror, straightening his already-straight tie and nervously tugging at his sleeves. Phichit came up behind him.

“Don’t worry, Yuuri! Everything is going to be great. You’re going to walk down that aisle, say your vows, kiss the bajeezus out of Viktor, and embark on the rest of your lives together!”

Yuuri paled, “What if I trip on the way down the aisle? What if I forget my vows? What if everyone laughs at me, and then Viktor decides he doesn’t want to marry me, and I get abandoned at the altar on my wedding day and…oh god…”

Yuuri takes a deep breath, trying not to hyperventilate. Phichit grabs Yuuri by the shoulders. “Yuuri, look at me. _None_ of those things are going to happen. As your best man and your best friend, it is my duty to tell you when you are back on your bullshit and right now you are _back on your bullshit_. This is your anxiety talking. You know that. You love Viktor, and he loves you. And no matter what happens today, that will never change.”

Yuuri nods slowly, exhaling. “You’re right. You’re right. It’s just…you know how I get…” he laughs, a little hysterically, as Phichit turns him around to rub soothing circles on his back.

“You’ve got this, Yuuri.”

Yuuri takes another deep breath and whispers to himself, “I’ve got this.” He nods decisively, and looks back over his shoulder at Phichit. “All right. I’m ready, let’s go.”

Phichit ushers him to the doors and they both take their place in the wedding procession. Axel, Lutz, and Loop twirl dramatically down the aisle, throwing flower petals everywhere and leading Makkachin – who has the rings tied in a bow around her neck – to the front of the altar where Viktor is waiting.

Yuuko and Yuri are next down the aisle, acting as Yuuri’s groomslady and Viktor’s groomsman respectively. They nod to each other before taking their places at the altar. Phichit and Christophe – the best men – follow shortly thereafter. Phichit grins widely as Christophe shakes Viktor’s hand, then they settle into place.

Hiroko snakes her arm through Yuuri’s, holding onto his elbow. She pats his arm and smiles reassuringly, before the doors open one final time and Yuuri and his mother begin down the aisle. Though his gaze starts on the floor, worried as he is about tripping, Yuuri soon looks up and locks eyes with Viktor. Viktor looks absolutely besotted, and he bounces on the balls of his feet, as if unable to believe that this was finally happening. Yuuri knows he has a dopey smile on his face and he feels himself pick up the pace a little. When he finally reaches the altar, he leans down to kiss his mother on the cheek before walking up and taking Viktor’s hands.

The world melts away and it’s just the two of them, in that moment, gazing into each other’s eyes. Viktor rubs his thumb in a circle on Yuuri’s hand, and Yuuri smiles. He can’t remember ever being this happy.

As the officiant begins the ceremony, Yuuri glances out at their assembled guests before looking back to Viktor. It had taken a lot to get here, but now here he was, on his wedding day, about to be married to the man he loved more than anyone else in the world.

Yuuri knew things would still be difficult, that some days would be worse than others, that they would fight and have problems like any couple did, and that he would occasionally still spiral downward into a dark place that was hard to break free of. He knew that days like those would come. But he also knew he would come out the other side and be okay. He had survived every day of his life up until this point and he wasn’t ready to give up.  With Viktor by his side, and his family and friends at his back, Yuuri just knew.

This was a world worth living in after all.

**Author's Note:**

> This was very cathartic for me to write, particularly the scene after the GPF in Sochi, where Yuuri is curled up in a bathtub.
> 
> A few years ago, I was in a hotel with my dad; he had come to pick me up for Thanksgiving the next week, but we were stopping for a concert one night on the way home. I had a bad night, a really, really bad night. We didn't end up going to the concert because I was in the bathtub in the hotel room, alternating between wailing and catatonic. I was literally researching suicide methods on my phone. I was waiting for my dad to leave the room, to go get food or a bottle of water or something, because as soon as he did, I was going to find all the pills I had (my antidepressants, advil, whatever was in my dad's toiletry bag) and take all of them. But he never left the room, and ultimately, I made the decision to not make a decision that night. I crawled into the bed and cried myself to sleep, but I woke up the next morning, still alive.
> 
> And I am still alive.
> 
> Like Yuuri, I feel like a failure. Regardless of my successes (I graduated with a master's! I passed my licensure exam in my field!) I still feel like a failure - I can't find a job, I can't afford to live on my own, I overdraw my bank account and can't feed myself half the time. Yuuri made it to the GPF at Sochi (one of the six best skaters in the world!) and he had a setback. His dog died, and he still went out there and skated. But he almost gives up, for good. And maybe the canon doesn't say anything more than he very nearly gives up his career, but I've been in that place, and I know it's hard. And I know it continues to be hard, even when things start looking up. We all fall back down, and sometimes, some of us fall to deeper, darker places than others.
> 
> But Yuuri made it through. I made it through.
> 
> We all can make it through.


End file.
